A while back I heard about the Flavor Spray™ Diet, which was invented to replace things like toppings, gravies, dressings, and sauces. The line consists of liquid sprays that come in a range of flavors, including bacon. I laughed about it for a while, then curiosity got the better of me and I was compelled to order some.

With eager anticipation I waited for my sprays to arrive. And waited. And waited. A month and several phone calls later my sprays finally turned up. I tore open the box to find two little bottles of spray, one bacon and one parmesan flavored. I was still unclear about how I was supposed to use them. I suspected that I should spray them on food, but I wanted instant gratification after waiting that long. I decided to spray the bacon flavor directly onto my tongue. What could it hurt?

As usual, my naive innocence led my astray. It hurt bad.

It was like bathing my tongue in a tubful of liquid smoke. All I could taste was smoke. Was my tongue on fire? After that came the harsh chemical aftertaste. Choking and gasping for air I made my way to the sink. You know how they make those eye bath cups for chemical burns? I wanted one for my tongue.

I thought that maybe the parmesan one would be better. It was, in fact, even worse. I resisted the urge to throw them both straight into the trash. Instead I put them in my cupboard. They’re still sitting there. I planned to do a real review and try them on food instead of my tongue, but now, months later, the thought of tasting them again makes my taste-buds quiver in fear.

It’s real bacon for this girl from here on out.

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