I HEART BACON
Monday, June 9th, 2008

EGGS

consumed on 6/8/08

I’m on Whidbey Island for the weekend, driving towards Double Bluff when I see a simple, hand-painted sign announcing “EGGS.” I’m in a (modern day) foraging-for-food kind of mood so I pull up the drive.

I see a man in the window staring blankly out at me and wonder if I’ve got the wrong house. There are no signs indicating eggs, only a sign that reads “Hippies Enter Here.” I’m having a slow morning and it takes me a second to realize that it’s pointing to the only entrance to the house.

The first thing I see is an old, bearded man wearing a dirty wife-beater, tooling around in a Hoveround chair. The second thing my eye goes to is the naked lady wall calendar and I’m unsure if this is actually a place to by eggs. My attention is diverted back to the man when he says “I know what YOU want…”

My fight or flight instinct has been on the fritz lately and it kicks in. But before I have time to make a decision, the man follows up with: “EGGS! I got ‘em in dozen or 18-packs.” He then motors off into the back room with me calling after him “Eighteen please!”

I’m trying to avoid eye-contact with the lady in the calendar so I look up and find a really great collection of old beer cans lining the top shelves. I pointedly examine them until he returns.

He is carrying a styrofoam tray on his lap and smiling so much that I’m instantly disarmed and charmed. Before I can pay he opens the carton to show me a gorgeous array of pearl, green and brown eggs. He is obviously (and rightly) proud, which leaves me feeling honored that he is sharing his eggs with me. I hand over $7 and continue on to the beach looking for more adventures.

———————

The next morning I announce that I’m making fried eggs with hollandaise sauce. I was expecting enthusiasm but am met with silence. No one actually said “But, we don’t have any bread” or “That sounds weird” so I take their silence as permission to proceed.

Awhile back my mom found this great, fool-proof recipe for hollandaise that, oddly enough, is from a Cuisinart manual. It is SO easy, but I manage to fuck it up.

First my butter explodes in the microwave, coating every surface in a deluge of grease. Then the butter that’s still left in the dish cools too much, so when I pour it into the Cuisinart it doesn’t thicken the sauce. I switch to the stove top method, but with less than 5 seconds of heat it’s the consistency of spackle. My fried eggs are done at this point and since no one really wanted the hollandaise to begin with, I don’t attempt to fix it.

It turns out that crazy thick hollandaise still tastes great. Although it is weird to eat egg sauce over eggs with nothing else. The best thing was the color. The yolks were so fresh that they produced a hollandaise the color of marigolds. Beautiful.

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8 Responses to “EGGS”

  1. Watson Blair says:

    Haha, thats great, I wonder how much thought he gave to trying to creep out potential customers. And I have to agree, fresh eggs like that just can’t be beat, they are simply far tastier than anything you can buy in the store. As for the egg dish, my mother used to make a similar one, only with the addition of blanched asparagus. Simply to die for.

    And nows the time that I have to admit that I have an ulterior motive for commenting. I was wondering if you would be willing to cross link between Devour.tv, the company that I am currently helping to build the blog Roll for, and I

  2. Never knew there was an entire blog devoted to bacon when I made my bacon roundup post:
    http://oldglutton.blogspot.com/2007/12/pig-links.html

  3. Lynn says:

    Fresh eggs are sooo much better than what’s in the grocery store. I use Joy of Cooking’s blender Hollondaise recipe and it’s never failed.

  4. matt says:

    egg related it is not, but I wanted to share this image of bacon as the awesome chap he is with you: http://tshirtinsurgency.com/dont-mess-breakfast

    just the sort of sauciness i thought you might enjoy

  5. Rosemary says:

    At the risk of sounding completely inexperienced, I have to confess I’ve never tried fresh eggs. We buy the organic, cage-free, etc.. which might be close? But I am inspired now! I’ll keep my eyes open for the first opportunity!

  6. bibliochef says:

    Ok, I love bacon. I really do. I even had a moment of thinking the idea of avocado and bacon ice cream on Top Chef was a possibly edible thing. I eat bacon usually only when I am out to eat—but I also do make a good strudel with sauerkraut and bacon, and a few other recipes with, say, cabbage and bacon. I love a good BLT.

  7. Cindy says:

    we have hens who will lay eggs, and their eggs are delicious :) we once had a variety of chicken which would lay the green kind, but usually we have brown.

    if you want one good brown egg laying hen who will keep a nest and not just lay anywhere try the black star. they will lay almost every day.

    :D this story sounds like something surreal out of a happy novel. its so cool

  8. Anonymouse says:

    Why didn’t you thin the sauce out with water?

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